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Almost everyone has been in the embarrassing position of seeing a person who they know they have met, and they just cannot remember the person’s name.

            “I can remember faces but I can’t remember names”

            “My Memory is getting worse”

This moment of realization is frustrating, and oft times embarrassing, depending on who the person is, how well we know them, and the circumstances. Sometimes you can forget the name of one of your best friends, sometimes even your spouse, when you go to introduce this person to another it seems incredulous that you can’t think of the name of your spouse and it won’t do for you to introduce them as Mr. this or Mrs. That, so you fumble along with “you can introduce yourself”, or Bob, meet my wife. Uhhh,… Honey what did you say your name is?

What can you do at a moment like this; well the easiest thing to do is be honest. “You know I feel like I should know your name but for some reason it is just not coming to me and so please forgive me, could you just tell me your name?” Now this seems easy but it is not because sometimes the person will not tell you their name, and some will even get offended.

But pretending that you know their name when you don’t is worse, because it creates difficult situations that are often disastrous. A realtor I know told me he ran into a couple in the super market, he saw them walking down the isle towards him, he knew that he knew them but he could not think of their names. They greeted him in a friendly manner and called him by name. He responded with “How’s it going?” They said fine and then they said “Ron we would like you to come by and list our house.” And he said, “Great what’s the address?” And they looked at him aghast and said “You sold us the place!” And turned around and walked away. Ron needed to be up front right away with, “You know this is so embarrassing, I know that, I know you guys, but with trying to remember my shopping list my brain has deserted me PLEASE help out a humble man….at this point they most likely would tell him their names and ask him to come by and list their house, which of course he could look up in his records. In fact most likely he would remember their house as soon as he heard their name, because he would have freed his mind up from trying to cover up.

Trying to fool people is a huge mistake. First of all you can’t fool them we have 200,000 ways of communicating besides what we say and how we say it. Secondly most people have heard and said most of the things we normally say to fool people. But worst of all is when you try to trick people it is like saying (I can’t remember your name but I’m smarter than you, and I can trick you).

Let me give you the worst example I have heard, and I have seen this lately on the internet in a blog about remembering names. This was suggested as more than a solution it was claimed to be as good as actually remembering the name.

Me: “Oh I knew your first name was John, I meant what’s your last Name?”

This was entered by several people as the solution for remembering names, they even claimed you could use this on the same person over and over and it would not be noticed.

Look at what this really is. It is a lie. Talk about adding insult to injury! It is a rather small injury that we don’t remember names, (unless of course it is someone we know quite well like our children)  actually it is more the loss of an opportunity to make the person feel more important.”

The insult comes when we out right lie and say “Oh Yeah I knew your first name is John” when in fact we did not know. This tells the person that we don’t mind telling a lie just to make ourselves look good. And don’t think they don’t know cause they do, most likely they have done the same thing. But to think you can do this to the same person over and over is total nonsense. They might not (and probably won’t) tell you, but they will regard you as person who thinks them a dolt, and a person willing to lie just to save face.

There is real value in being honest as Brad Blanaton wrote in Radical Honesty “The purpose of telling the truth at all levels is to disconnect from previous identities…we gain the power to use our minds as tools rather than as machines for the defense of who we think we ought to have other people think we are.”

The number one reason people do not remember names is, when we are meeting other folks what is playing in our mind is, “I can’t remember names.” It is almost impossible to do something we don’t think we can do. So by being truthful that is: admitting we forgot a name we can use our mind as a tool to remember the name instead of as a machine to try to trick them into thinking we remembered it. “In defense of who we think we ought to have other people think we are.”

Research indicates that most of the people who are good at remembering names cannot tell you how they do so, usually when queried they say “I’ve always been good at remembering names.” Most likely they were told at a young age something that made them think they had a good memory for names. Good news for those who were not so fortunate to be identified with a good memory for names, changing identity can be as easy as Captain Marvel saying SHAZAM. Only in this case the  more applicable incantation is ‘I CAN REMEMBER NAMES AND I DO REMEMBER NAMES’

The declaration should be ‘I ALWAYS REMEMBER NAMES EVERYTIME!’ Because it is in the commitment to, always do so, not some of the time, or when it is convenient, or when the person is important, but always. It has to be always or else you won’t do it and the first time you forget some ones name you will be back at “I can’t remember names”. Life’s changes begin not when we start to change, but when we commit to change.

            SO THE FIRST STEP IS WE MUST COMMITT TO REMEMBERING NAMES

            EACH AND EVERY TIME

Most of the time when some one says they forgot a name they never failed to remember it at all they never “got” it to begin with hence the term forgot like ‘forgo’ or ‘forestall’. So the immediate problem involves getting the name to begin with. This requires total attention at the moment you first hear the name, once you miss it the brain seems to take this position “We already forgot that one”, and once it takes that position you have to work extra hard to defeat that position.

You have to be interested in the person’s name in advance. As soon as you are interested in a person’s name your brain will do all the things necessary to help you remember and it will do so with out you even telling it to, but you have to be interested or the information will never register even in immediate memory. Imagine meeting some one and they say, “Listen closely the nest words you are about to hear you are going to have to know if you are ever going to get my business.” You would pay attention and make sure that you got it correct. As soon as you are interested your brain will do so many things for you automatically. Think of a time when you bought a make or model of car you had never previously owned and as you are driving around in those first few days you notice other cars that are just like the one you bought. Now those people did not go out and buy those cars just cause you have one, they always had them you just never noticed before because there was no reason but now that you have one you notice them. And you did not have to say to yourself “I think I will notice all the other cars that are just like this one”. You did not have to because your interest made certain that you would notice them.

We’ve all heard the expression GARBAGE IN GARBAGE OUT, G.I.G.O. the brain does not function well in a state of uncertainty. In fact one of the functions of the conscious mind is to keep us from making a mistake. That is why we are so concerned with what other people think because we do not want to be off base. So much so that we will not continually see something that others insist is not there. So you will not remember information if you don’t think you have it correct. One of the most difficult things to do is ask someone what there name is…again. Because we think I’ll only forget it again anyhow and then I’m going to look worse. And yet when we are not certain there is almost no chance that we will remember. So if you want to remember names you must train yourself to get the name, get it correct, immediately, each and every time. Do this and your memory for names will improve now.